Today

Today was a decidedly bad day.
I've never felt this much pain before.  For me, its generally my own anger that causes me pain. With the kind of environs i live in, there's always something i have to be wary of, something i have to be on the defensive against. It takes a lot of will power for me to not fight, to take it lying down. Because thats not what i am. But a few years ago, i made it my strictest rule, to not fight at home.
To take it lying down,
To let things be,
To accept,
To apologise.

 Over the years, i've trained myself very well, to get a good night's sleep after a terrible altercation, to force myself to gulp down food, cos i knew i need it to keep myself going. To be myself. To still be myself at the end of it. To not squander my talent at the alter.

Today was just too much. I was angered. I'm a calm person, and this feeling surprised even me. But something in that moment told me that its been enough. I'm determined to fight it out this time.

Then maybe, i'll trust.
Then maybe, i will not resist sleep, for the fear of nightmares.